This forum needs some humor TOO! 1 1

[Insider]

There are two long running threads on the ATS that have become my favorites:

 

Post a picture of anything Fridays and a thread for jokes anytime.  At least 60% of the jokes are top notch ROTFL.   

Let's start a similar thread here for humor to get our minds off what's going on in our country and the world.  Hopefully the Mods will allow it to continue.  Unfortunately I don't know any good jokes but here is an example posted by the all-time most popular poster on CU: 

@ricko posted: 

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees
and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand,
he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week
plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to -
the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me.
What would you like to know"?

Cheers, RickO

LOL

Agree?

 

[RWB]

I try --- but my wife broke my "funny bone."

[Insider]

 

All these were posted by other people.

[Insider]

logger7 Posted 

 

A WELL-PLANNED RETIREMENT

Outside a popular English zoo there is a parking lot that holds 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees
($1.50 for cars, $7 for buses) were collected by a very pleasant attendant.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up.
Zoo management called the city council and asked them to send another parking attendant.
The council did some research and responded: The parking lot was the zoo’s responsibility.
The zoo advised the council the attendant was a city employee.
The council advised the zoo no one in that role had ever been on the city payroll.
So somewhere, sitting on the patio of his villa by the sea, is a man who apparently, completely on his own, had
a ticket booth installed in the zoo parking lot, then simply began to show up every day to collect and keep the
parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day... for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars. ...and no one even knew his name.

[Insider]

From Mark

[Insider]

Posted by Eddiespin on another chatroom:

These two old chums meet up after many years when one says to the other that he’s getting married for the 4th time. The other asks, “What happened the last 3 times?” The guy says, “They all died.” The other says, “Wow, how did they die?” The guy says, “Well, the 1st one died from eating poisoned mushrooms.” “Oh my,” says the other, “how did the 2nd one die?” The guy says, “She also died from eating poisoned mushrooms.” “Oh my,” says the other, “how did the 3rd one die?” “She died from falling out a 40-story window,” the guy says, “she wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

[Insider]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Oops!

Edited August 22, 2020 by Insider

[Insider]

Compliments of dpoole 

Some guys were sitting around a locker room when a cell phone on the bench rings, and a man puts it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Hi, Honey. It's me. You at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the shops now, and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure. Go ahead."

Woman: "I also stopped at the Lexus dealership and saw the new models and found one I really like."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! And, oh. One more thing. I was just talking to Janie, and you know that house with the river view that I wanted last year? Well, it's back on the market! They're asking $980,000 for it.

Man: "Well, then, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. But if not, we can probably go the extra 80 thousand if it's what you really want."

Woman: "OK! I'll see you later. I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye. I love you too."

The man hung up. The other guys in the locker room were looking at him in astonishment, their mouths hanging open.

He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Insider]

[Insider]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Insider]

from marcmoish 

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

While working as a student nurse, however, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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from hammer1 

Art Linkletter had a TV program called "Kids Say the Darndest Things."

A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite"."Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend
"Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license
It is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old
you are . You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".

[Insider]

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from dpoole 

 

Three college guys graduate, and go down to Mexico to celebrate. After a night of carousing, they wake up the next morning in jail. They don't remember what had happened or how they got there, but they were all scheduled for execution in the electric chair.

They ask the first kid if he had any ultimas palabras.

"I just graduated from Trinity Bible School with a degree in Theology, and I believe in the power of the Lord to save me."

They then flipped the switch, but nothing happened. All the prison staff fell to their knees, released the guy, and begged for forgiveness.

Then they strapped in the second kid.

"I just graduated from the University of Texas Law School, and I believe the power of justice and the Rule of Law to save me."

They flipped the switch, and again nothing happened. And once again, they were overcome with awe. They released him, and again begged forgiveness.

Then they strapped in the third kid.

"I'm an Aggie, who just graduated from Texas A&M with a degree in Electrical Engineering. And I'm here to tell you, this thing ain't never going to work unless you plug it in."

[Insider]

from dpoole 

A man was putting his three-year-old daughter to bed, and advised her to say her prayers:

"God bless, mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

Dad thought that last comment was peculiar, so he let it go. The next day, though, the family received word that Grandpa had died of a stroke.

The next night, the man was putting his child to bed, and she prayed:

"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

The very next day, the grandmother died suddenly of a heart attack. The family was in shock, but none more than daddy.

That night, the child prayed:

"God bless mommy, and good-bye daddy."

By now, daddy was convinced this kid had some conduit to the Great Beyond, and spent the next day in horror. He was at the office, watching the clock. For some reason feeling safer there, he stayed until midnight. Massively relieved, he came home.

His wife asked him why he'd been so late. He told her it'd been the worse day of his life. She said, "You think YOU had a bad day. This afternoon, the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

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from SkyMan 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers :

"Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and...One of Ken's Friends.

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from dpoole 

A man in Florida calls his son in New York the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Houston and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Florida immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Scored! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[Insider]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

[Insider]

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From marcmoish 

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Miami. They agree to meet every ten years in Myrtle Beach to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those gals with the cleavage, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."

[Insider]

[Insider]

Outhaul 

 

Two friends teed off on the local golf course. One pulled it into the brush on the left, the other shanked it into the woods on the right.

The guy on the right finds his ball in a nice lie in a small patch of buttercups with a perfect shot to the green. He addresses the ball, lines his shot up and makes perfect contact. All of a sudden he hears a tremendous crack behind him, turns around to look and sees a tall, slender woman in a billowing white robe, flowers in her hair and an impressive presence.

The guy blinks and asks, "Who the hell are you?" She replies, "I am mother nature. It has taken me centuries to perfect that patch of buttercups and you have wantonly destroyed them. For THAT, you have no butter for the rest of your life!" Then CRACK! She was gone.

Not believing what he had just experienced, he hollered to his friend, "Bill! Where are you?" Bill replied, "I'm over here in the willows!"

He shouted back, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BILL, DON'T SWING!"

[Insider]

dpoole Posts

 

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a popular small-town bar.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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dpoole Posts

A girl brings her fiance home for dinner to meet her parents. After dinner, the mother asks the father to find out about the guy.

The father asks the young man to go into the study with him, and have a drink. "So, what are your plans?" he asks the young man.

"I'm a Torah scholar."

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," says Dad. "Admirable. But how will you provide my daughter a nice house to live in, such as she is accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man answers, "and God will provide for us."

"And children? How will you support your children?"

"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation goes on like that, and each time the father questions the young idealist, the fiance insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks her husband, "How'd it go, Honey?"

The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I'm God."

[Insider]

 

Thanks to the members on another site where these came from.  Hopefully members here will continue this thread.  This is the one joke that I kept looking for:   

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited .................

[Just Bob]

I bought a mood ring, but I lost it.

 

I am not sure how I feel about that.

[Alex in PA.]

Tanner Pomeranz

 6 months ago

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

[RWB]

OK, Insider.....When does the humor start....?

:)

[RonnieR131]

Defund the police!  Say whaaaat?  

 

[RonnieR131]

A son from California just called, said the 'defund' joke wasn't funny, Apologies everyone. Guess when I visit the 'old folks' home this afternoon maybe someone will appreciate the humor. --- old joke, granddaughter just told-- What do fast swimming fish in the lake say when they bump their heads against a concrete wall? "Daaamm"!  Oh well, next.